The 'Alternative' Oscars

Each year Esquire Magazine publishes a list of the winners of the 'Alternative' Oscars, because in Esquire's world, "somebody has to recognize achievement in the art and science of cinema ..... and the movies too" !  Here are several of this year's 'Alternative' Oscar winners:

Best Frontage: Human on Human - Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Levitt in Don Juan
Best Frontage: Human on Object - Cameron Diaz on hood of car in The Counselor
Most Effective Use of Weight Loss - Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club
Most Effective Use of Weight Gain - Christian Bale in American Hustle
Achievement in Assholery - Steve Carell in The Way Way Back
Scene Stealer of the Year - Jonah Hill's Teeth in The Wolf of Wall Street
Best All Female Seduction Scene - Rooney Mara and Catherine Zeta Jones in Side Effects
Best Risky Casting - Andrew Dice Clay in Blue Jasmine

Space Shit

Least Realistic Details - China Space Lab in Gravity
Most Powerful Image of Perseverance - Robert Redford's orange hair in All Is Lost
Best 3D - Floating Space Shit in Gravity
Lifetime Achievement Award for Drooling - Bruce Dern in Nebraska
Terrifying Characters in a Children's Movie - Purple Minions in Despicable Me 2
3D Movie Best Seen in 2D - Star Trek Into Darkness
Worst Fking Movie (We Want Our Money Back) - Elysium (WTF, Damon?)